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Darwin awards

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious winner:
1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of it's men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit. 6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, 'Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from.'

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan , at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings,the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

Remember... They walk among us!!!

Beef, cheese, bacon and krispy kremes... wtf?

When your out on patrol at 0400 in the morning, what sounds better a bacon cheese burger, or doughnuts?  Well now you don't have to choose...

Just what every good, health aware, security officer needs...

Enjoy!

Rubber Slapper

New Five Dollar Bill

I wish I could give credit to who wrote this....

There is a certain class of people in society willing to be degraded, disrespected, yelled at, spit on, ignored, swung at, put down and mocked for money. Scientists and other degree holders might call them "prostitutes" or "mexicans" but the correct term is "security officer" and they truely are the salt of the Earth.

Now, the life of a security guard isn't all high fame and glory like Doughnuts Today magazines might make it out to be. In fact, the job is rough, ****ty work that generally takes a passion in order to put up with it. There is a necessary degree of patience, understanding, and doing **** you don't want to do that most people would rather not have to bother with. And ****, who can blame them? Wandering into a crowd of rowdy drunk college kids to let them know they're being cut off and will be removed if they make a scene is not my idea of fun. Taking abuse for money with no tools for your protection isn't a fun job [write a whores joke here later]. But hell if you can't help but love it!

Now there seem to be some misconceptions about security work that I've observed while working with my new company over the summer, so I'd like to just go ahead and use this space here to "rap" with you about security guarding and the myths and facts concerning it. I will be underlining the word "fact" in order to stress its importance in a way only a horizontal line can. Pull up a seat and hold on tight! You're in for a "bitchin'" ride! Cowabunga!

Myth: The "S" stands for "Information"

Fact: Actually, through some sorcery of the roman alphabet, the "S" in Security stands for "s" and leads into the rest of the word "ecurity". It means the person wearing a badge with this word on it ("security") is there to secure property and personal welfare. It's a bit foggy at first, but after a while you'll start to understand that letters forming the word "security" actually means "security", much in the way a complex caculus problem becomes easier as you learn the theorems surrounding it.

So armed with this knowledge, it's easier to see that a guard doesn't have the answer to your various questions, despite our good looks and hair the colour of drying August hay. Questions such as where the bands will be signing autographs, why they've closed the side entrance, where the opening band is from, string theory, why the band isn't staying to sign autographs, where the nearest Quiklube is, etc. And I know, it's easy to get angry at a bunch of university kids from out of town because they don't knowwhere Elmtree Road is but please try and bear with us.

Myth: I can "cut you a break", "make you a deal" or "totally just let you off the hook"

Fact: My actions are bound by Canadian law, which I am paid to enforce, and I, myself, am accountable for them much the way your dumb ass is for yours.

Using a fake ID to gain entry to the club will get you turned down and your ID confiscated. No, I cannot let you in regardless, no matter how compelling your whining about "coming on, man" may be.

Being in the mall after you've been banned does, actually, count as trespassing and no, I'm not "wasting my time" by processing you and as such, can't, to be sure, "let you off the hook". Your rebuttal of calling me a "****ing narc" and then attempting to kick me as I arrest you, while persuasive, does not sway the law.

Working backstage at a concert does not give me license to let you in backstage because you believe I'm a "cool guy" or "clean" or whatever slang you're pulling out of the 30s you call me. Also repeatedly begging "please" doesn't seem to move me from my post, so you should probably discontinue this line of argument.

If you go to a concert and wish to bring in a baggie of pot and proceed to roll and then smoke a joint 6 feet away from two of our security officers, and then, when approached after a few minutes thow the joint on the ground and maintain religiously you weren't smoking anything, we have to act within our laws, which leads me to the next exciting and confusing security officer myth.

Myth: Security Officers are stupid, and also unobservant

Fact: Some of us have IQs more than this many fingers on both my hands, also we are known to have eyes. So when you're smoking pot within arm's reach of me, stinking up the area and smirking like you've just got away with murdering a judge, please don't insult my intelligence by claiming steadfast that you weren't, in fact, smoking up and you totally don't have any drugs on you and your eyes are just red because they're irritated by the smoke from the ribs BBQ on the other side of the park. I get that you're not man enough to fess up to it, but at the very least just stay silent, don't accuse me of being a narc and just trying to get you in trouble.

We get that the job doesn't entail a lot of respect by nature, but this sort of thing is ****ing ridiculous. Also note that security officers can tell that you're drunk, that you were shoplifting, and that the baseball bat you brought to a club at midnight was not for playing baseball. Also we're fairly sure your parents are not dead, your name isn't Harry Bolzac, your friend didn't loan you his car with no ignition column, nor is your name on the list just because you're flashing a 20 at me. You may get by 60% of the guards, but is that risk really worth it? Probably not because if you're trying this ****, you're too ****ing stupid to do the math you god damned retard.

Myth: We cannot arrest you, touch you, or do anything, really, if we catch you breaking the law

Fact: We have full power to arrest you if we see you breaking the law. We also have full authority to match force as necessary. Also, contrary to popular opinion it seems, two guards escorting you off premises by your upper arms because you won't come peacefully is not "assault", so please stop shouting it at the top of your lungs.

Myth: Your jokes are hilarious, witty and fresh.

Fact: Your jokes are like being stabbed in the eyes with a ****ing shiv made from rusty farm tools. Another myth is that they get funnier as they're repeated. You're not Jerry Seinfeld, please stop with the amazingly astute observations.

"HOT ISN'T IT" and "HOT ENOUGH FOR YOU" when we're in full black uniform with pants and polo, in the sun in 38 degree weather watching the festival gates does not, somehow -and trust me, I'm as confused as you are- lower the temperature nor make it any more bearable. It makes us want to kill you with your own children.

"WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING" leaves us hardly har haring.

"DO YOU TAKE FAKE IDs", "HER ID IS FAKE HAW HAW", "YOU SHOULD ID HER!" usually from the 40 and over crowd. We understand, you're angry at being old. We know nature has dealt you a ****ty hand and you can't do anything about it other that simply dredging through your boring and placid life, watching in horror as you age worse and worse, speeding in at an undeniable rate to a largely short and forgettable funeral, but heckling us to ID you does nothing to reverse your shrivelling face. You hear me? Nothing.

"ARE YOU GUARDING [THE GARBAGE/THE FOUNTAIN/THIS DOOR/THESE PYLONS/ETC]" It's hilarious because we're standing near something that generally wouldn't require being secured by human forces! It's like irony, right? **** that's funny! This is a step up because at this point we're usually identified as being security guards and not 411.

"HA HA THEY'RE COMING TO ARREST YOU, COMPATRIOT" I know cops get this one a lot whenever they're anywhere. Yeah, I'm here to arrest you and your friend on the charge of being retarded unfunny faggots. The punishment is immediate braining with a maglite.

Myth: We don't take our job seriously

Fact: We take a job that's often necessary for rent, experience and/or employment seriously.

Myth: We take our jobs too seriously

Fact: We're still humans, not rock star gods like we're made out to be (although some of us just may be!)

There is an amazing amount of patience necessary for dealing with people who don't want to deal with you and having surprisingly little power over them to help things out on your end. Yeah, I know you want your booze. Yeah, I know you don't think mainlining heroin in the washroom should be a crime. Yeah, I know you want to go backstage. Guess what my job is to do because I'm standing here reminding you of why you're not supposed to do this.

But holy hell you gotta love the job because it's an amazing opportunity to help people, actually get involved, get free swag (the amount of swag I get is an important occupational factor to me), get awesome backstage passes to cool bands and travel (with my company, at least). And although a lot of people respect security and the jobs they do maintaining order where it's needed (at your concerts, at your clubs, at your workplace, at your fundraisers), a lot don't and try their best to rage against the man by going after the one authority figure usually under 25.

The next time you see a college kid working this job, remember it's just a job and he's gotta do what he's gotta do, and please try and thank them for the unpaid, underappreciated work they do while waitresses are pulling in 300 a night in untaxable income for 5 hours of work. We're people too, albeit often better looking and better groomed.

Yes, no matter how awesome Hollywood and all the popular European magazines make us out to be, we're just simple people living simple lives doing jobs we love, so try and throw us a bone here, and we'll make your night that much more toleratable.

This was posted on another forum under the name ARMaster.  I wish I could give him more credit than that.

How to Use Masking Tape

Download how_to_use_masking_tape_if_drunk.wmv

15 Things to Say if Caught Sleeping at Your Desk

1. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
2. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."
3. "Whew!  Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"
4. "I wasn't sleeping!  I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
5. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
6. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"
7. "Actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.
8. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress.  Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?"
9. "Darn!  Why did you interrupt me?  I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
10. "The coffee machine is broken...."
11. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
12. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
13. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"
14. "Wasn't sleeping.  Was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."
15. And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk: "Amen".

Speed Limit Enforced by Aircraft

Jokes - Body Parts Were Located...

A security officer is on scene at a terrible accident - body parts everywhere. He is making his notes of where the pieces are and comes across a head.

He writes in his notebook: "Head on bullevard" and scratches out his spelling error.

"Head on bouelevard" Nope, doesn't look right - scratch scratch.

"Head on boolevard..." dang it! Scratch scratch.

He looks around and sees that no one is looking at him as he kicks the head.

"Head on curb."

Jokes - Moses

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he pick up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching YOU."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell, he heard "Jesus is watching You."

Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who are you?"

"Moses," replied the parrot. "Moses?" the burglar laughed, "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?"

"Probably the same kind of people that would name a Rotweiller Jesus,"

Funny, yet real, California Laws

The following are real California laws:

• In Los Angeles, a man may legally beat his wife with a leather strap, as long as it is less than two inches wide, or she gives him permission to use a wider strap.
• It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.
• In Pacific Grove, ``molesting'' butterflies can result in a $500 fine.
• In Pasadena, it is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss.
• It is illegal to set a mousetrap without a hunting license.
• In Long Beach, it is illegal to curse on a mini-golf course.
• In San Francisco, it is illegal to wipe one's car with used underwear.
• It is illegal to cry on the witness stand in Los Angeles courts.

If you have any more funny laws please email me and I will post them.